The 3A Berkeley Mansions Literary Society #3

Once again, Bertie’s search for licentious literature comes a cropper.

James Joyce “Ulysses

P.G. Wodehouse’s Bertie Wooster and Jeeves discuss great works of literature…sort of.

“Good evening, sir.”

“Good evening, Jeeves! How was your night at the Junior Ganymede? Any butlers throw a dinner roll at fellow members whilst they enjoyed a quiet glass of sherry?”

“No, sir. May I ask why is there a book lying on the floor against the wall opposite you, sir?”

“Leave it there, Jeeves — no, leave the bally thing there! Better yet, throw it out the window! No, it might hit some poor cove and end his life prematurely.”

“How did you come to procure a copy of Ulysses, sir? It is banned in Britain and the United States for obscenity.”

“Well — ah — one has connections, Jeeves. Ginger Winship knows where to lay his hands on the hot stuff.”

“If I may say so, it is hardly the light reading you are partial to, sir.”

“The blighter steered me wrong! Not only is it as big as a hatbox, it is damned unintelligible. Give it here — let’s see — all right, listen to this:

Ineluctable modality of the visible: at least that if no more, thought through my eyes. Signatures of all things I am here to read, seaspawn and seawrack, the nearing tide, that rusty boot. Snotgreen, bluesilver, rust: coloured signs.

I mean to say, what on earth is a seawrack? And snotgreen! Is that polite language, Jeeves? No, it is not!”

“Sea wrack is a form of seaweed. James Joyce was attempting something different with the written word. ‘Snotgreen’ and ‘scrotumtightening’ — “

“JEEVES!”

“I merely wish to point out those are words the author uses to describe the sea. As they are in the very earliest pages of the novel, those are the two words most readers have associated with the book. I am sorry for any offense I have given.”

“You see? Not more than a few pages in and it is polluting our happy home. We will have no more of this James Joyce, Jeeves. Ha! Three Js in a row! Be that as it may, take that monument to drivel away. Make it a doorstop.”

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

“Always, my man.”

“I should like to take this book. It has been my desire to read it. And as we know, it has been banned, making it difficult to obtain.”

“Spirit it off, Jeeves. I warn you, there’s nothing worth your time. Nothing spicy. Hope you enjoy it more than I did.”

“Yes I said and yes I will. Yes.”

“What?”

“Thank you for the book, sir.”